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Surviving Mother’s Day: 5 Strategies to Get Through | Psychology Today


For some daughters and sons, this holiday hurts.

Source: Surviving Mother’s Day: 5 Strategies to Get Through | Psychology Today

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April 27, 2016.


I love karma.

I’ve worked hard to achieve
peace of mind through the years, building my own karma simple being the best I can be, without all the social BS and drama.

Many fables have been told of me and those who chooses to believe or tell these lies will only see me walk away. I may not have ever that urge to fight.. It doesn’t mean I’m blind.  I just dislike stooping to the level of those I despise.

In fact, I’m just waiting for karma, and most of the time, it does exist, vindictive people eventually get their own taste of the same medicine they’ve spread long ago.

There is a reason why I am so adamant on my wills and my ways, not ever hurting anyone or anything mentally or physically for whatever reason is at the top of that.  I am trying to be better than who I was, every single day.  I know I’m far from perfect, I never said I was or will be.  And those who takes advantage of that, will just have to live with karma biting them in the ass sooner or later. Then, I will reap the joy of watching people get what they deserve, without lifting a finger to fuel it.

In the end, we all know, a leopard can never change its skin, but wolves are almost always disguised in sheep’s clothes.. I am simply a fox, I am exactly what I say I am, not evil, and definitely not pure, but, enjoying a world of its own wherever it finds home.

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6 Ways People Stay Positive


Article: 6 Ways People Stay Positive | FastCompany
None of us can be relentlessly upbeat all the time, but a positive mind-set can be indispensable when the going gets tough.

A positive attitude can go a long way. You’ve heard that probably since kindergarten. The trouble is, many of us don’t really know what to do with that adage, believing instead that our temperament isn’t something we can really control. But with practice, we can learn to adjust our attitudes in order to make them work more in our favor more often.

The key, of course, isn’t to become perpetually optimistic. No one can uphold a sunny disposition 100% of the time. But you don’t have to. Instead, learning to think positively in the face of adversity—when times really get tough—is both the more useful and more achievable approach when it comes to success. Here are a few things the most successful people do in order to stay positive.

1. THEY DEVELOP THEIR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Like temperament, emotional intelligence isn’t an entirely fixed property. It’s something you can work to develop. Start simply by recognizing that your emotions are largely what drive and motivate you, rather than barriers to accomplishing anything. We aren’t fully rational creatures and shouldn’t try to be. The most successful positive-minded people have simply learned how to manage and regulate their emotions.

We all experience ups and downs in our lives. Frustration, disappointment, fear, sadness, and anger are all part of being human. Positive people experience these feelings without letting themselves become overwhelmed by them, realizing that everything passes with time. They also don’t make decisions when they’re feeling strong emotions, but wait until they’re on a more even keel.

2. THEY BELIEVE IN THEIR ABILITIES, EVEN WHEN THEY FAIL
There’s no one out there who’s never failed. But positive-minded people know that they need to take risks and push their boundaries, which courts failure. Still, they approach new challenges with the belief that either they’ll succeed or take something useful from a potential stumble that will help them do better next time.

The startup world may have nurtured a certain obsession with productive failure that may be overblown. But while failure can’t teach us absolutely everything we need to succeed, it can help define for us what we are good at and what still needs work.

3. THEY CONTINUOUSLY SET GOALS
People who have learned to think positively under pressure feel the constant need to accomplish something new. They use goals to mark their progress, keep motivated, and stay on target. Goal setting is a way of life: Once you’ve achieved one, you immediately want to set others. More than just a continuous desire to do better, having something to constantly strive for adds substance and meaning to your life. And it’s that that will sustain you when you the going gets tough.

4. THEY PRACTICE GRATITUDE
They tend to thank those who’ve helped them along the way and are careful to give credit where it’s due.
Despite always looking for new challenges, those who succeed at staying positive are always grateful for what they already have. Not only that, they tend to thank those who’ve helped them along the way and are careful to give credit where it is due. That’s an insurance policy against egotism—and there are few things more counterproductive to your success than a bruised ego when you fail.

Regardless of their circumstances or the conditions of their upbringing, positive-minded people remain very aware of and thankful for the gifts that have been bestowed upon them. After all, some of the most important things in life aren’t those we earn—they’re given to us by those who care about us. It’s only a mind-set steeped in gratitude that goes any way toward making us worthy of them.

5. THEY LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE—AND GET OTHERS TO DO THE SAME
This one just about goes without saying, but it’s worth mentioning because of the impact it has on others—an impact that comes back around and proves mutually reinforcing: Positive people are simply more often a pleasure to be around.

Misery loves company, and miserable people quickly realize that they don’t win many allies. Positive-minded people, on the other hand, tend to attract the voluntary support of others. That collaborative network helps drives their success, which in turn makes other people keep wanting to work with and associate with them, including in trying times.

Miserable people quickly realize that they don’t get much support from more positive-minded people.
One way to cultivate this sort of positivity is to use humor (tactfully) to brighten up situations and see silver linings in circumstances that look discouraging. This type of mind-set prevents you from blaming others and pushes you toward solutions instead.

6. THEY’RE COMMITTED MENTORS AND LEARNERS
Highly successful people who stay positive are never satisfied with what they already know. They’re often attending lectures, reading or listening to audiobooks and podcasts, and finding new ways to hone their existing skills and pick up new ones. Not only do they have mentors who push them to do better and challenge their ideas, they also tend to mentor others. Being driven by your passions—and surrounding yourself with people on all sides who do the same—is a powerful defense against adversity.

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“To laugh often and much: To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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5 Sex/Relationship Myths Therapists Should Stop Believing | Psychology Today


Believe it or not, your therapist is often wrong about sex

Source: 5 Sex/Relationship Myths Therapists Should Stop Believing | Psychology Today


You may find this hard to believe, but most therapists, psychologists and doctors have received no training insexuality. A minority of mental health, social work or medical training programs offer graduate-level training in sexuality issues, beyond covering the paraphiliasand sexual disorders included in DSM-5. Some programs address sexual diversity issues, but not all. Few, if any, states require specific training in sexuality issues in order to qualify for licensure. Only a very few states (California and Florida when I last looked) require a license or documented training in order to call oneself a sex therapist.

Why and how this came to be is a long, socially-driven tale, and I’m not sure anyone has ever really documented the story. But, what this lack of training means, is that therapists are subject to the same sexual biases, misconceptions, and myths, which permeate general society. Most therapists learn about sexual issues from the general media – NOT from professional journals or research.  As a result, many therapists hold some dangerous myths and misconceptions, and use these mistaken beliefs in their practice. Here are five of the most common ones, which I’ve encountered as I supervise, correspond with and train therapists around the world;

Kink is Rare and Unhealthy: Since the ideas of fetishes/paraphilias were first introduced in the late 1800’s, therapists have believed that sexually unusual behaviors and desires were just that: unusual, rare, and usually abnormal. But, the DSM-5 makes the distinction between paraphilic interests, and paraphilia disorders, now acknowledging that people can have unusual sexual interests, with no distress or dysfunction. In Scandinavia, they abolished the paraphilia diagnoses several years ago, with no regrets or reconsiderations. Recent research in Canada suggests that nearly half the population endorses interest in “unusual” sexual practices. Which begs the question if anyone really knows what “usual” or “normal” actually is. Numerous recent studies of people involved in BDSM show that they are often more emotionally healthy than the average person. And, the Fifty Shades of Grey Effect has shown that many, many “normal” people are interested in exploring their sexual boundaries.

Open or Non-Monogamous Relationships Don’t Work Long-Term: Therapists tend to be remarkably biased and judgmental about relationships that explore negotiated alternatives to infidelity. In a recent NY Times article(link is external), noted anthropologist Helen Fisher proclaimed that humans aren’t wired for nonmonogamy, and are fooling themselves if they pursue it. But, increasing numbers of relationships are negotiating these boundaries, and many researchers and therapists like myself are writing about the many kinky, polyamorous, swinger and gay male couples that we’ve seen establish and maintain very healthy relationships for decades. Several studies of nonmonogamous couples show that they tend to be more egalitarian, more open to sexual diversity, and more likely to practice safe sex. Given the incredibly high rates of infidelity and divorce in allegedly monogamous relationships, it leads one to wonder what exactly, therapists are thinking of when they say that monogamy works and nonmonogamy does not.

Porn Causes Divorce: I can’t turn around without hearing the statistic that porn use is involved in 50% of divorces. I’ve heard this from countless therapists, who write to tell me how wrong I am to suggest that porn use can be healthy. The origin of this seems to lie with two groups. First, the Family Research Council has asserted that they conducted research, and found that porn was involved in over 50% of divorces. But the Family Research Council is a group founded by James Dobson, which promotes “traditional family values” and lobbies against divorce, pornography, abortion, gay rights, gay adoption and gay marriage. The FRC’s study of pornography and divorce was not published in a research journal, nor subjected to peer review. The second origin of this mysterious statistic about divorce and porn is from The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. In 2003, at one of their conferences, the Academy reportedly did a survey of 350 of their attorneys. About half of these attorneys reported that they had seen online porn play a part in divorces. Because the methodology is unclear, we don’t know if they said they’d seen it in half of divorces, or if half of the attorneys had EVER seen it at least once. But again, this survey has never been published, and these data and methods never analyzed. I think it likely that therapists do see porn use in men in involved in divorce – because men increase their porn use when they are lonely, depressed, and when they are not having enjoyable sex in their relationships. But therapists are mistaking a symptom, an effect, for a cause, when they blame porn for divorces.

Trauma Causes Unwanted Same Sex Attractions: Many therapists, especially within the sex addiction field, argue that childhood sexual trauma (link is external)can lead males to engage in homosexual behaviors that are inconsistent with the man’s sexual orientation. This belief ignores a few important points:

  • First, gay and bi males are at higher risk(link is external) of experiencing sexual abuse, not because abuse made them gay, but because gay/bi youth are often isolated and vulnerable.
  • Secondly, Occam’s Razor suggests that these men experiencing “unwanted same sex attractions” are actually not as heterosexual as they may want to be, reflecting the moralistic and homophobic attitudes of the families/religions they were raised in.
  • Thirdly, the idea of “unwanted same sex attraction” ignores the important theory of sexual fluidity, which is now helping us to recognize that sexual orientation is not the rigid concept that therapists once believed.
  • Finally, I always like to ask therapists who believe this concept of “trauma-induced same sex attraction” if they believe that a woman sexually abusing a homosexual male could lead that male to experience “unwanted heterosexual attractions”? If a therapist doesn’t believe that this mythical effect could go both ways, then they are really just voicing stigma against male homosexuality.

A therapist helping these men to suppress their same sex attractions is dangerously close to conversion treatment, and further, is unlikely to be effective or therapeutic. Patients experiencing distress at such desires deserve education, support and affirmative treatment to help them understand normalize their desires – treating sexual attractions as symptoms of trauma is inherently labelling them as abnormal and unhealthy, directly contrary to best practices and ethical standards.

Casual Sex is Unhealthy: Many therapists believe that casual sex, sex outside an emotionally-committed relationship, is inherently unhealthy. It’s not hard to understand why therapists think this: our society promotes the idea that casual sex is less meaningful, and is cheap, compared to the ideal, of emotionally-committed bonding sex. Further, the research on casual sex is nuanced, and a bit difficult to parse out. Some research has shown that many women experience depression after casual sex, and are less likely to have orgasms. Further research (link is external)on casual sex suggests that it is people’s attitudes towards the activity which predict their experiences. If you think casual sex is cheap and unhealthy, you’ll probably feel bad afterwards, if you have sex with someone you’re not in a relationship with. But, it’s likely that it’s the people who feel bad after casual sex who are telling their therapists about it, not the people who enjoy it and feel fine about it. So, it’s easy to understand how therapists could end up thinking that casual sex is unhealthy for everyone, in spite of what research is now revealing.

Via Wikimedia Commons
Source: Via Wikimedia Commons

Therapists who believe these myths aren’t being intentionally biased. As said, they’ve rarely had training on dealing with these sexual issues. They are inundated with the panicked, sex-negative information that abounds in general media. They see a limited sample of people struggling with these issues, and don’t understand how sample bias(link is external)affects their judgment. Many therapists endorsing these myths identify as Christian counselors, and these myths are consistent with the sexual morals promoted in conservative religious beliefs. But, licensed clinical practitioners are held by their ethics to practice based on the best, most current clinical information available. They are also prohibited from engaging in stigmatizing treatments, regardless of the therapists’ religious beliefs.

If your therapist tells you any of these myths, know that they are likely doing so out of ignorance. Feel free to share this article with them. But, if they refuse to consider that their beliefs may be evidence of bias or stigma, you may need to consider finding another therapist, one who is interested in providing treatment based on evidence, rather than bias and assumption.

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